


never let you go

by adolescentlycan



Category: Naruto
Genre: Blind!Kagami, Chronic Pain, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of canon-typical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28001064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adolescentlycan/pseuds/adolescentlycan
Summary: A brief look into an AU where Kagami and Tobirama have grown old together
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Kagami
Comments: 11
Kudos: 43





	never let you go

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is heavily inspired by themes brought up in the fourth one-shot of [I lie next to you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27442564/chapters/67972090) so a million kudos to the anon author for blessing us with all that content, plus subsequent discussions about the topic of aging/disabled ninjas that helped me figure out what I wanted this piece to be. 
> 
> This one-shot takes place some unspecified time after Tobirama's fight against the Kinkaku Force. He's alive and so is Hashirama.

Kagami is woken by the sound of bed sheets rustling. He holds his breath and waits. 

There are many cliches about being blind, only some of which happen to be true. That the remaining senses sharpen to compensate for what’s been lost happens to be one of them. Kagami listens carefully to the sound of Tobirama’s breathing, waiting to see if it’ll return to a more slow, even rhythm. 

When it doesn’t after a few carefully counted minutes, Kagami reaches out and grabs Tobirama’s hand, threading their fingers together. There’s brief time spent in that liminal space between consciousness and dreams, time that Kagami has learned to use to his advantage. When Kagami is careful to tread carefully, he’s able to obtain important information before Tobirama’s guarded enough to try and keep it from him. 

“It hurts?” Kagami asks softly.

Tobirama’s reply is a firm squeeze of his hand. 

“How badly?”

Tobirama’s grip becomes intense enough to bruise bones, and Kagami grits his teeth to keep from crying out. It’s been some time since they’ve had a night like this; the current combination of herbal supplements and gentle exercises that Hashirama’s developed have been enough to keep Tobirama’s pain at a manageable level. 

Most days, Kagami tries not to dwell on the fact that what’s manageable for Tobirama would be close to unbearable for anyone else. 

“Should I get Hashirama?”

Tobirama clenches Kagami’s hand twice in quick succession. The message conveyed by the touch is clear: _absolutely not._

“I’ll make you some tea,” Kagami says quietly. By the time he’s boiled water and steeped herbs, Tobirama will be more fully awake and they’ll be able to talk. 

Tobirama gives one last squeeze of Kagami’s hand before releasing his grip.

Kagami knows their home by heart. Shortly after his vision began to fade, he came home one day to find Tobirama completely rearranging their belongings. Choosing the most efficient space for everything, he had said, with a promise to never move anything without returning it to its designated spot. In those months when Kagami’s vision had rapidly deteriorated, he’d been able to commit their home to memory, solidifying it as a place that would always be familiar. 

All shinobi can sense chakra to some extent, and Tobirama had made an effort to help him refine his skill. But Tobirama had been unsuccessful to explain what comes as natural to him as breathing, and Kagami had spent far too long honing his vision to embrace seeing with anything other than his eyes. Where Tobirama is able to interpret the emotion behind the slightest flicker of chakra, Kagami spent so much of his life learning to read the meaning concealed in the smallest of gestures.

But now he’s able to make herbal tea in the dark, knowing without any doubt exactly where they store the blend that Hashirama’s developed to help blunt the pains that come with growing old. 

Kagami’s loss of vision forced him to retire long before any injury could bring an end to his career as a shinobi. Still, he has his fair share of scars and broken bones that never healed right after being set on the field. He can anticipate when the warm autumn weather will finally succumb to the biting cold of winter; Tobirama has spent countless hours massaging analgesic cream into the arthritic joints of his hands. 

Comparatively, Tobirama’s body has seen far worse. He started his life as a shinobi when he was only a child and continued to carry out missions long past Kagami’s premature retirement. There isn’t a bone that Tobirama hasn’t broken at least once, and aching joints often disturb his sleep. Migraines, the result of far too many blows to the head, can debilitate him for days on end. In a world where shinobi now stand more than a decent chance of living past 30, they’re just beginning to learn the cost of a life lived where one’s body is treated as nothing more than a weapon. 

Yet even now, Kagami knows that Tobirama wouldn’t hesitate if Hiruzen were to ask something of him, regardless of whether or not it was within his power to deliver. 

Pushing those thoughts out of his head, he pours two cups of tea (it’s been unseasonably cool for the past week, and every bone in Kagami’s body aches because of it) and returns to their bedroom. He can’t tell if Tobirama has turned a light on; it wouldn’t make a difference to Kagami either way, but it’s a useful indicator if Tobirama’s pain is accompanied by a migraine. 

Originally, Tobirama had stubbornly insisted that sensing chakra was a skill any shinobi could learn, the same as throwing a shuriken or creating a shadow clone. What he couldn’t understand was how much Kagami had always relied on his sight. His strength had always been his ability to see the details other people overlook. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t sense them. 

Tobirama’s gaze is unflinching when he lies, but he’ll look toward the sky for a moment before admitting he doesn’t have the answer to something. When he’s feeling defensive, there’s the slightest twitch in the well-defined muscles of his arms before he decides against crossing his arms. And it’s easy to tell when he’s tired of a conversation (often with Hashirama) that’s gone on too long; there’s a tension in his jaw that comes from chewing on the proper phrase to bring the discussion to a close.

Kagami spent the better part of his early life learning to read the subtle gestures of Tobirama’s body language. When his vision first started to fade, he’d experiment with closing his eyes during their conversations, imagining how it would be once he was no longer able to see the things Tobirama doesn’t say. 

For all the things Kagami loves about Tobirama, he hates that the elder man speaks with only a handful of vocal inflections. It’s why they’ve learned to rely so much on touch where other couples would be able to find that words suffice. Since it’s too late for Tobirama to change his nature, they’ve had to create something new. 

In place of asking how Tobirama feels, Kagami carefully gets back into bed and offers a steaming mug of tea. He feels Tobirama’s fingers, calloused and clammy, as he accepts the offering. They take their first few sips in silence; the mint combined with the mild analgesic Hashirama uses makes Kagami’s tongue tingle. 

“I’m sorry for waking you,” Tobirama says. 

The apology irritates Kagami more than being woken up in the middle of the night. “You don’t need to apologize,” he reminds Tobirama. 

Kagami hears Tobirama set his mug down. The dull thud of ceramic against the wooden nightstand isn’t enough to tell him whether Tobirama’s actually finished his tea. He’s frustratingly stubborn even after all these years, refusing to accept the help that others would be so willing to give. Kagami hates guilting Tobirama into taking care of himself, but too often it’s the only way to get him to take his ailments seriously. 

Too often, Kagami’s thoughts drift to how Tobirama is decades older than him. Not only that, but he’s survived much more than any one man ought to have endured. The fight against the Kinkaku Force would have killed Tobirama had Kagami not impulsively run after him, Hiruzen and Danzo trailing closely behind. It was all too clear to the three of them how ready Tobirama was to die in that fight. It would have been a fitting end to a shinobi’s life. 

Sometimes, in his darkest moments, Kagami wonders if Tobirama resents being saved. Death would have been easy. Living often proves to be so much harder. Shinobi are those who endure, but it’s harder to say who are those who endure once stiff fingers can barely hold a shuriken, let alone throw it with any degree of accuracy. 

“Don’t let me keep you up,” Tobirama says. 

“I don’t mind.”

Kagami sets aside his empty mug and adjusts so they’re closer together. He likes the familiar warmth of being next to Tobirama in such proximity. Despite their reliance on touch as a way to communicate, neither of them is overly tactile in how they show affection. It’s enough for the two of them to be close together. 

It’s when Tobirama’s fingers brush against Kagami’s forearm that he knows something is on the elder man’s mind. He grabs Tobirama’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, letting him know that he’s still awake and doesn’t mind staying up if Tobirama wants to give voice to what’s weighing on his mind. 

"Kagami-"

"If you're about to apologize again, I'd rather you didn't," Kagami interrupts. 

"And if I wanted to thank you?" Tobirama asks. 

"I'd tell you that isn't necessary either."

While Tobirama collects his thoughts, Kagami is left to think about how a single cup of tea won’t be enough to help him, not if the worst of his injuries have once again flared up. Kagami should be thankful that they haven’t had to deal with this in months; instead, he’s already thinking about how difficult it will be to get Tobirama to accept the help he needs. 

Shinobi are those who endure. Even now, Kagami knows that Tobirama is embarrassed to have let Kagami know how much he was hurting just minutes ago. It’s why Kagami depends on the honestly wrenched from those moments in half-consciousness. He may no longer be able to see, but he’s become all the more proficient in reading Tobirama for it. 

"You made tea for yourself," Tobirama finally remarks. 

"The weather's getting cold," Kagami replies evenly. 

"Give me your hands." 

Kagami obliges without complaint, resting one hand on Tobirama’s upper leg while the other is taken in Tobirama’s firm grip. The elder man sets to work carefully massaging each joint, a sharp flare of pain from the added pressure replaced by a soothing warmth. Kagami can feel the stiffness chased from his fingers one by one, and he rests his head on Tobirama’s shoulder to show his thanks. 

Not for the first time in recent memory, Kagami wishes Tobirama would let himself understand how they care for each other. Kagami doesn’t see Tobirama as helpless, at least not any more than he himself is. They depend on each other. When it’s necessary, he trusts Tobirama to be his eyes. And in turn, he’s more than willing to be woken up in the middle of the night to keep Tobirama company. 

"Do you think you'll be able to fall back asleep tonight?" he asks Tobirama. 

Tobirama takes his other hand and begins gently kneading at the stiff joints. "You should go back to sleep."

"And you should answer my question."

Tobirama pauses for a moment, simply holding Kagami's hand in his own before resuming his massage. "Saru sent me some papers he wants me to look over."

"They'll still be on your desk in the morning," Kagami points out. Whatever Hiruzen wants Tobirama's approval on, it can wait. "Tell me. Where does it hurt?" He remembers how tightly Tobirama gripped his hand and wonders if it's now bruised. "Or should I ask where it doesn't hurt?" he amends. 

Frustration gathers in Kagami’s chest when Tobirama is slow to answer. Kagami suspects that it means he's deciding the best way to downplay what's troubling him, leaving Kagami to wonder if it's the leg that was so badly broken even Hashirama thought it was beyond saving, or perhaps another migraine forming.

Tobirama's thumb traces over the lifeline on Kagami's palm. "It doesn't hurt so badly now."

"Tobirama-"

"It's not…" Kagami can hear the rise and fall of Tobirama's shoulders as he takes a long breath to steady himself. "It was a dream. It doesn't mean anything."

Kagami hums thoughtfully. "It doesn't?"

Tobirama doesn't answer. 

"If you can't get it off your mind and you don't want to talk about it, you could just write it down," Kagami points out. "It's not as if I'll be able to read it."

There's a gentle kick to his shins. It's infinitely preferable to the heavy silence that used to hang between them whenever Kagami's blindness was brought up in conversation. 

"You know I'm curious though," Kagami says. 

He's prepared to let the subject drop. He's ready to not protest further if Tobirama gets out of bed and goes to his study. They've been together long enough that it no longer bothers Kagami when Tobirama pulls back. His return is as certain as the pull of the tide. 

Tobirama releases his hand, and Kagami immediately misses the lack of contact. He rests his hand on Tobirama's leg, keeping his touch light. He knows that underneath the thin fabric of nightclothes is more scarred tissue than flesh. 

"Hashirama had died," Tobirama begins. Kagami thinks about how Hashirama is only a few years older than Tobirama and in far better health. When he wraps Kagami in one of his bone-crushing hugs, he still feels so sturdy despite his advancing age. 

Kagami realizes Tobirama's been quiet. "I'm listening," he says gently. 

"We were at his memorial service. Standing in the rain for hours while people went on about everything he'd done for the world."

"That doesn't sound frightening." Kagami knows Tobirama lost two brothers in childhood, though he's heard their names spoken only a handful of times. And he knows that Tobirama is too practical of a man not to realize that even the god of shinobi will one day die. 

"It wasn't."

Kagami waits. 

"I realized Hashirama had done everything he wanted. Things no one thought were possible. Konoha is his dream, his legacy. It'll live on when he's gone."

"It's your legacy as well," Kagami points out without hesitation. "It's his vision, but you've been the architect."

He worries he's said too much when Tobirama doesn't reply immediately. Patience is something that doesn’t come naturally to him, but it’s necessary when Tobirama is hesitant to discuss something. The harder he presses, the more Tobirama will retreat. And so he forces himself to wait.

"It's his vision," Tobirama repeats. "It's always been his vision." His hand comes to rest over Kagami’s. “And if you’re about to make a remark about your vision-”

“I’m not.”

“-I’d rather you didn’t.”

Kagami hums again thoughtfully. “It just doesn’t sound like much of a nightmare to me.” It’s a taunt, a bit of bait dangled in front of Tobirama’s face, an attempt to get to the root of the issue. “It sounds nice, even. Knowing your brother was remembered fondly and that he was able to do everything he wanted to do.”

Tobirama traces his fingers up and down Kagami’s leg. Kagami tilts his head, letting his head rest again on Tobirama’s shoulder. He is tired, and it doesn’t seem as though Tobirama’s willing to open up further. “We can talk more in the morning if you like,” he suggests, though he knows an offer to postpone the conversation is as good as agreeing to let it drop. 

“No,” Tobirama says. “It’s...I know I’ll die before Hashirama does.”

“You can’t know that.”

Tobirama exhales audibly. “That doesn’t upset me. I’ve lived far longer than my father, and we thought he’d lived a long life when he died.”

The world has changed more than Kagami can comprehend. He was a small child when the Uchiha and Senju clans joined together to form Konoha. Tobirama’s had to grow up in one world and then build another. Kagami isn’t sure where this line of thought is leading Tobirama, so he remains quiet. 

“I think he was satisfied when he died. He-”

“Your father?”

“He strengthened our clan and left Hashirama a solid foundation to assume leadership.”

Kagami tilts his head slightly towards Tobirama. “I wish you’d just say what’s bothering you,” he says earnestly. 

“I told you that you could go back to bed if you’re tired.”

“Not until you tell me what’s on your mind.”

Kagami half expects Tobirama to get up and leave the room. He never takes well to being confronted so directly. But today proves to be the exception. “I’ve spent half my life in service to my father and the other half helping Hashirama achieve his dream.”

Kagami squeezes Tobirama’s hand. “You should be proud of what you’ve done, no matter who you’ve done it for.” He pauses, considering. “And your life is far from over. This time is nothing but yours. We could go somewhere if you wanted.”

Tobirama takes only a fraction of a second to entertain the idea of something so frivolous before thoughts of duty to Konoha return. "But Saru-"

"Has Hashirama if he needs help." Kagami refrains from suggesting that perhaps the reason Hiruzen hasn't found his own footing as hokage is the looming presence of his two predecessors. 

"You-"

"I'm blind. Not helpless. Especially not when I have you. So long as you don't pull me along to some archive or library, I'll be happy to be at your side." He tilts his head, pressing a chaste kiss to Tobirama's jaw. "You should try to get back to sleep. We can talk more in the morning."

He squeezes Tobirama's hand once more before reaching for one of their blankets. The conversation isn't over. No, it's just begun. Tobirama will need more persuading before he seriously begins to consider the notion of doing something just for himself. But Kagami is nothing if not persistent. It'll take a while to coax this idea from the safe haven of their bedroom into more open discussions in the daylight, but Kagami looks forward to imagining where they may one day go. 

And as always, he's able to return to sleep soundly with Tobirama beside him.

**Author's Note:**

> I really just wanted to explore the idea of Tobirama and Kagami growing old together, honestly. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
